Sleeping Giant

See, Womack?  He's sleeping...

Mike Rowe, Hot.

Mike Rowe beat out David Blaine as my TV personality love a long time ago.  Dead-behind-the-eyes Blaine was pushed aside, along with Bear Grylls.  Though that one was a short-lived affair after I read that he has those animals shipped in from the London Zoo.  I know!  Its easy to find a nice, clean, dead camel to sleep inside of when its been all nicely taken care of for you.  Though, to his credit, did you see the episode in Ireland when he skinned a sheep, turned the skin inside out,  slept inside of it to keep warm, and then the next morning filled it with his clothes and survival gear, and then used it as a flotation device to cross a lake?  The skin.  The lambs skin.  I know.  It was amazing.  And that was after he pulled the carcass out of a bog and ate its raw heart.  You know what.  It's worth seeing.  This was supposed to be about Mike Rowe, but if you haven't seen Bear make his "sheeping bag", then you need to.  Sadly the floating part isn't in here, but the rest is enough.  The comments on youtube include lots of gems like "looks like he's tryin to fuck the sheep", and yes, it does.

Yikes. 

But back to Mike Rowe, who also does disgusting things.  Is part of the attraction that he does these hypermasculine, down in the dirt, shoveling rocks over his shoulder jobs?  Am I really so conditioned to be attracted to "manliness"?  I think it's that, plus the fact that he flirts so sweetly with all the kind old farm-worker women while still being able to keep up his ongoing dialogue of fucking raunchy sex jokes, and somehow the Discovery Channel lets him get away with it.  So tonight I stumbled upon a treasure trove of Mike Rowe history.  It turns out that in 1992, he was a QVC spokesperson for their middle-of-the-night shows.  His sarcastic and tongue-in-cheek delivery is pretty great.  At first I thought that he seemed miserable to be there, but the more you watch it's clear that he's just using the opportunity to get as much out of it as he can - being on TV and mostly just entertaining himself.  These are my favorites.  NOTE:  If you don't like or know Mike Rowe, don't bother.  I'm sorry, but it'll have no meaning. 


Wait until the video of the cat at least.  "The most gripping video" ever shown. 

A John Steinbeck reference?  Also, "You've seen one mouse, you've seen 'em all" and "I wonder how the mouse feels about being carried around in a stocking..."  What?  

Subway Fish

Lest you forget, I'm a New York Times published author.  Ha.
For some reason the Times won't let me link to the original page, but here's something in their archives. Metropolitan Diary - Subway Fish
It's the second story on the page.

This is Louis the Fish.  Not related.  But one of my favorite childhood books.

Just in Case

Let's pretend it's 2004, you live under a rock, and never got to see this beautiful commercial. 

SkyMall Window Shopping

Shuffling down the aisle to 21A, I found myself genuinely excited to get to my SkyMall magazine.  Every flight, I assume it'll be the same tchotchkes and "inventions" as the last time, but they never cease to amaze.  There is a bottomless market for useless shit.  Highlights from the Fall 2010 issue.

There's a TLC special about the people that buy these.  They treat them like real babies.  These are not made for children, but lonely deranged adults.  "All you have to do is cherish her."

$25 for goo that you mush into your various electronic devices to get other goo and "debris" out from between the buttons.  And it somehow kills germs, too. 

This one, I kind of like.  I would wear this.  They send you a kit with "a special clay made of microscopic particles of pure silver", you press your thumb into it, send it back, and they make a charm out of the print.  Yeah, I'd do that.  I guess not for $70, though.

This would have been really impressive on an 80's spy show.  I am still sort of impressed by it actually.  But why would you want your watch to be your cell phone when everyone already uses their cell phone as their watch?
 

I would totally sleep under his stars.  I'm so jealous of that little kid.

Muscular Anubis. Some people live in places where it would seriously be possible to have this in your home.  Even if you had the space, why, why?

Awesome Harry Potter necklace.  It doesn't show it here, but according to the website, there's a $49 version and a $125 dollar version.  I totally want one. 

Thats just the wost cat model ever.  He looks like a evil gargoyle.  Loki would have been so much better. Also, how the fuck does this work??

I'm really getting this for my birthday this week!  I've used one before and they are amazing.  Instant soda!  Instant seltzer!  I love SkyMall!

Smother a Squirrel Just Like a Chicken

I've been looking at this woman's face my whole life.  This was that weird dirty cookbook that sits on the shelf in the kitchen but never really gets used.  Only two pages have those tell-tale smears of grease and sauce, evidence of attempted recipes.  Thankfully, they were for chili and potato salad.  Easily the least offensive dishes described within these pages.

These are the recipes that deserve your attention.  Let's start with an appetizer and work our way through the culinary minefield that is White Trash Cooking.

I have a distant memory of eating these once and they were amazing. Slimy and salty and wonderful.

This is the savory version of my own recipe I provide at the end.

Ugh.

Maybe these people are just really fucking high.

"If he has any?" 

My mom reluctantly admitted to me that she ate squirrel once as a child.  She didn't like it when I announced this at dinner one night.  Luckily she doesn't read my blog. 

I'm assuming these ingredients are mentioned somewhere in each of those... chapters?  Scriptures?  What are they called?  Anyway, sounds good.  Though comparing something to fruitcake doesn't seem like a good marketing idea.

This genuinely sounds good.  I might do it.  I'm imagining it with canned apricots.  Think of all the combinations of canned fruit and box cake that are possible. 

This is what's known as ambrosia salad.  Ambrosia.  As in, the food of the gods.  It's a staple of upstate family reunions (I'm not talkin' Hudson Valley "upstate" here) and let me tell you.  Ambrosia is not a misnomer.

If you're going to  sweeten milk, at least use something that'll taste good.  Where did this sudden health worry come from?  Once you're covering everything in butter, just go for it and add real sugar to your Pick-Me-Up.  Brown sugar would be nice, or honey maybe. 

Here's my own white trash recipe.  My dad used to make this for me and I thought it was most wonderful thing I had ever had.
                               
                                                          Milky Banana Bread
                                      2 slices Wonderbread              1 banana sliced
                                      I cup whole milk or cream      Spoonful of sugar

Place Wonderbread slices in wide shallow bowl.  Cover with sliced bananas.  Sprinkle with sugar, and pour milk over it all.  Eat with a spoon.

The Sack of M. Douglas

It was the night of May 18th, 2010.  The TV stayed on while we argued about the episode of Lost we had just seen.  All talk of other dimensions, time travel, and the man in black came to a screeching halt when we caught a glimpse of the giant balls hanging before us, tugging on the thin fabric of Michael Douglas' linen summer suit.  I give you those balls today, and the awe that they inspire.
 

Places I like + What I like there: Volume 1

So sometimes people ask me for food advice, which makes me very happy.  So I'll just get a list going here, and if you're ever near these places, check 'em out.  Though I don't know why they're almost all Asian.  I'll make another less skewed list soon.

Num Pang - 12th and University

This is an awesome Cambodian sandwich spot.  They're similar to Vietnamese sandwiches, with the same base of spicy mayo, pickled carrots, cucumber and cilantro, but it's the meats that really make this place stand out.  My favorite is the veal meatballs.  The tiger shrimp is the close second.  Or maybe the pork belly with Asian pear... It's a toss up.  Their sister restaurant, Kampuchea, is sort of Cambodian street food.  If you go there, get the lemongrass honey glazed pork belly.  Juicy, perfect little cubes of sweet, fatty meat. 

Stand Burger - 12th and University

In the summer, I like to wash down my spicy sandwich with the fattiest drink ever created.  And it's right across the street!  I admit that I've never had the burgers there since I always want a Num Pang sandwich, but its the milkshakes that keep me coming back.  Well one specifically.  Its the Toasted Marshmallow Milkshake.  I think that title deserves capitalization.  It's roasted (toasted?) marshmallows blended into vanilla ice cream, topped with two hot freshly toasted ones on top.  Its thick and rich and at $6 bucks a pop, definitely big and fatty enough to split with a friend. This image is from someone's Flickr.

Dim Sum Go Go - 5 East Broadway

Pretty cheap, super fresh and very fast dim sum.  These duck dumplings have big chunks of meat and vegetables in them, encased in the most delicate dumpling skin. The shrimp balls are also great, if you like a big deep-fried orb of sweet dense shrimp. Another favorite are the egg custards, which would make more sense on the dessert menu.  The flaky little pie cups are filled with a firm and subtly sweet egg pudding.  Whatever you get, just go with all dim sum.  The main dishes are good, but dim sum is the main attraction.

Food Shing Noodles - 2 East Broadway

Directly across from Dim Sum Go Go is this loud and chaotic noodle place.  Perfect for a quick and filling lunch.  The noodles are handpulled.  You can see the cooks in the back pulling the strands between their fingers like taffy, then folding all the strands over and pulling again, repeating until the noodles are thin and perfect, with little finger indentations still in the dough.  The noodles with duck is what I always get.  It comes with huge chunks of duck breast with a leg usually thrown in also.  Lots of meat, noodles, broth, and greens, all for about $5.  This image from NYT.

Momofuku Noodle - 171 1st Avenue

Jumping many price points up the scale is Momofuku Noodle.  Initially famous for their amazing ramen, the rest of the menu is great enough now that I usually skip them (also, Ippudo ramen a few blocks west might be winning out in that category now anyway).  The menu is seasonal and sometimes I don’t always catch them in time, but the roasted rice cakes is what I scan the list for most often.  Little logs of rice dough are roasted in a pan with a sweet and spicy sauce, scallions, and crispy onions.  Their surfaces get a little crunchy but give way to dense and chewy middles.  It’s a side dish, but heavy and filling for sure.  Get them with a beer, because the heat sneaks up on you.  This image from someone's Flickr.

Momofuku Milk Bar - 207 2nd Avenue

Also an old-news favorite, but you'd be surprised.  Sometimes I meet people who still haven't been there.  While they're known for the compost cookie (chocolate chip with pretzels, potato chips, and coffee grounds) the cornflake marshmallow is even better.  The marshmallows melt into the cookie and get caramelized and gooey at the same time and the cornflakes give them a little extra crunch.  I tried to make these myself and failed miserably.  Sometimes you just have to give in and pay $2 for the world's best cookie.  Again, this image from someone's Flickr. Why do I feel the need to say this?  I just think it would be false advertiing if I didn't.  I did take some of the other ones though!

Donut Plant - 379 Grand Street

They used to close by 3 or 4 because they would run out of donuts by midday.  In the last few years they’ve been featured on so many Food Network shows that it’s become a food tourist spot and they now have donuts all day long, thankfully.  It’s a little out of the way so I never get just one (easy excuse, right?).  There are two kinds of donuts- cake donuts, which are the flakier, crumbly, break-in-half-able kind, and there are yeast donuts, which are chewy and a little doughier.  As for the favorites, when people call to ask what they have to try there, I give them this shopping list, in order.  The top number one is the tres leches, a cake donut with little pockets of cream all along the ring.  Simple and easy and wonderful.  A very, very close runner up is the coconut cream filled yeast donut.  The glaze is sticky and sweet with little flakes of coconut in it, but the cream inside is barely sweet at all and tastes like pure coconut milk.  The last, but keep in mind, still in the top three of all the donuts I’ve ever had, is the peanut butter and jelly donut.  It’s another yeast donut, this one filled with homemade jam of different flavors in different seasons.  Coating the whole donut is a thick peanut butter glaze with chunks of nuts in it.  Like the world’s best peanut butter and jelly sandwich.  That’s it.  Okay, this entry was way too long. 

Harvest Song Fresh Walnuts

Murray's Cheese just got in these very weird, very unique walnuts.  They're picked from the tree when still soft and young.  The shells haven't hardened yet so they are eaten whole, shell and all.  The texture is unlike anything I've ever had, and hard to describe.  Firm but tender, and different with each layer.  The flavor is rich and meaty (in a good, sweet kind of way), but a with strong clove, cinnamon, and allspice taste.  My first thought was that they just tasted like the spiced sugary liquid that they float in, but upon reading the ingredients I learned that all those hints of spice actually come from the nut itself.  The syrup is simply sugar and citric acid, nothing else added.  Because they're incredibly sweet, I like them best sliced very thinly over tart yogurt or fresh ricotta.  

You can get them at Murray's Cheese or on their website.  If you're nearby, ask for a sample.  If you get lucky they might have a jar open, waiting just for you.

Wanted to Be Them

A collection of all the girls I thought I would be one day.  After this, I swear, I'll never post a 90's girl again.  Let's start from the very beginning. 

 

I wanted that vest so bad.  And David Bowie in leggings.  Through dangers untold and hardships unnumbered, I have fought my way here to the castle beyond the Goblin City to take back the child that you have stolen.

Rayanne Graff.  Endlessly clashing patterns, mismatched plastic earrings, baby barrettes, chunks of perfectly (strangely) placed hair, and lots of plaid.  My 4th grade best friend and I agreed that she was so Angela and I was so Rayanne.  Most of it was bad, but worked so well.  I wore as much jewelery as possible when this was on in elementary school (that's right, I did not discover it through MTV reruns) and it made the heavy-ringed fingers and hundreds of necklaces worth it when the cool 5th grader said "You are like, totally the Rayanne of our school."

I've touched on this video once already, but it deserves another look.  I had a plaid shirt that I swore was the exact same one from the video.  I forgot it in a movie theater and cried my eyes out. 

Blaire Waldorf before Blair Waldorf even existed.  She did not skin a collie to make her backpack, she did break in her new purple clogs, and no, a watch did not really go with that outfit.
This is an Alaia.

Light as a feather, stiff as a board.  Light as a feather, stiff as a board.  Everyone had that one girl who claimed it was really working this time! Also, who hasn't done the thing where you run your hands over your hair and then shake it out to change the color.  That wasn't just me, right?  Right...?

Skanky, I know.   But you can't beat that swinging in the woods scene.  

"I could get straight A's if I was chowin' down speed, too!"  She was so Contempo Casuals.  Mohair sweater... and so so sad.

"I thought you said that jacket was so 5 minutes ago."  "It's like, retro!"

 The less-rich girl from Minnesota always trying to keep up with Kelly and Donna.  I recently started DVRing 90210 on SoapNet, but after a few weeks I realized I was only watching it to look at their outfits.  When the story lines went from high school's "The gang throws Nat a birthday party at the Peach Pit!" to the college years' "Dylan and Brandon must save Kelly from a cult" I stopped being so entertained by 90's bodycon dresses and big hair. 

And that's who I planned on being when I was 10. 

Coffee-Loving Goths

Gum Wall! Click for full gummy effect. You can smell the mint when you walk by it!

Just got back from Seattle. Definitely my favorite city after New York. Or before it. Not sure. 75% of the people are earnestly, unironically, never-stopped-dressing-that-way 90's. Cute Soundgarden dudes, good. Hot Topic goths, very bad.

Not satisfied to have populated the world, including the most coffee fanatical city in the country, Starbucks has a new game. They sent out market researchers to small, independent coffee shops to see what people like. They then designed their own stores around this, specific to each city. But they don't call them Starbucks. The name is just the street that the store is on. I went to one.

The door says 15th Ave Coffee and Tea, Inspired by Starbucks. But... it's more like Starbucks, Inspired by every real coffee place. Yuck. Here's the interior. Basic faux rusticity, things "handwritten" on boards instead of typed, like any Starbucks.
But it doesn't really look like one. Sneaky.

Went to Mario Batali's dad's place, Salumi. He makes all his own cured meats. Molé salami with roasted green peppers. Awesome. You could really taste that spicy, sweet, very mild cocoa flavor.
Oh, Oh! Speaking of molé, some of the best Mexican I have ever had at Carta de Oaxaca in Ballard. Long trip from main Seattle, but so worth it. So if you ever have the chance, take the time to go there and get the piping hot tortilla chips (have you ever actually had fresh tortilla chips right out of the fryer? It's what they're supposed to taste like) and the chicken molé.

While you're there, go to "the Locks". Two sections of the river are at different heights. When a boat comes in from the higher part, its "locked" into this walled off area. The water in that area is lowered and then the boat is let out into the lower water level area. Kind of hard to visualize.
This is also the location of the salmon run. The salmon need help getting back to the bay they were born in, so they made a water ladder for them to, climb? There are also tubes that help the salmon babies get to the ocean. You can go into an underground room with windows looking out into this fish frenzy, which would have been cool if the salmon had actually been there when we were. But there is a display of the eggs in various stages.
So, Seattle is great. And I think people are lying when they say it rains every day. I've been there three times and it's always beautiful. They just don't want New Yorkers to move there.

Sawyer Stealing Cher's Bag

While being productive and watching old Aerosmith videos, remembering how much I wanted to be Alicia Silverstone wearing that flowery babydoll dress and combat boots, hitchhiking in the desert, I made a discovery. The 90's bowl-cut babe that steals her awesome Native American patchwork bag in the coffee shop is Sawyer. James Ford. You know. Check him out-

They make eye contact. Then she makes her pouty face, for some reason walks away to read a magazine "sexily" (what?), which is when he steals her bag. Rough day for Cher.